Subject: a decent descent

Mood: sucky
Music: Audioslave's "Like A Stone"

Events do not naturally flow unhindered. Rocks and asphalt and all matter of shit lies in your way, and just when you think you've successfully dodged it all, it flogs you.

I am in for a flogging.

Maybe you can call it hubris. I thought I was home free, or at least doing well. Maybe I got too arrogant in my own abilities. Whatever caused it, I now suffer consequences for my actions.

I think about what's to come this month and the next. I consider ways to manuever through it, but every direction fails. I feel that there's no way out. I have failed. I want to die. I can't imagine being successful anymore. When I have in the past, it's only come back to bite me in the ass. I've created so much this time around the vicious coil of the ouroborous that I have that much more to lose. I am closer to Hamlet than to pond scum this psychle.

There's no logical way to explain any of it, except that it's autumn again, it might as well be my fall.

If I could, I would just stop breathing. But fear and obligation hold me to this plane. When have I ever acted under any other circumstances?

Last year's hell will not compare to this one.

- deej

[real me in...]