Subject: spitting contests

Mood: apathetic
Music: Blink 182's "Adam's Song"

I have lost all ambition. I meander through life down a ravine, and don't see a way to climb out. I'm no longer looking for an escape either, let alone 'my' escape.

Sometimes, I think there's this way I'm supposed to be. NOT how my peers define me, NOT how my parents tell me to act, NOT how the church people preach, or how my friends expect me to be. Not even how the love of my life dictates; at least I've scrambled away from that snare. I'm talking about a demand I put on myself, one that is ambiguous, ever changing, and contradicts itself. I want to be just like fill-in-the-blank, but I want to be my own person, but who I am isn't original or interesting enough, but I want to be admired, but I want a small group of friends, but I want to be alone, but I want to see the world, but I'm afraid to go, but I don't ever want fear and obligation to ever drive me again, but I want to get out of my ouroborous, but I see the beauty of the cycle and accept every nuance, but I want stability, but I hate Massachusetts, but I'm faithless and stupid...

I don't care about sorting it all out anymore. I can write this stuff without an emotial reaction. I just write.

I don't write much anymore, actually. I work. I do schoolwork. I play on the computer. I develop my website. I play video games. I sit around. I sleep.

I'm bored, but I find comfort in that.

Just don't think too far ahead...

- deej

[real me in...]