Subject: until you're safe inside...

Mood: murky
Music: Tori Amos' "Winter"

I had the most amazing daydream last night that, if recorded, would be destroyed. Even the more that I think about it, and the more that I realise the unreality of every aspect of that daydream, it breaks down and enrages another bit of me.

A couple people on the boards asked about me, the only thing good to come out of this past week. I hate my life the more I think about it. Every piece that I ponder makes me cry. At least I'm slow, 'cause otherwise, I would have realised my failures all at once. No wait. maybe it's a bad thing taht I didn't. Because what I'm going through now is more like a slow, agonising descent, each thread of reality a chord that snakes around my neck and strangles. The other way would have been quicker. Maybe I just wish I were even more stupid, or maybe less of a coward. I don't know what I want, do I.

Life is a succession of junk you wish would just go away. The ouroborous deepens its gash into your side, the aching thorn with which you've been plagued. How does anybody make it past 23?

- dearjoan's shadow

[real me in...]