Subject: schmoopy

Mood: vacant
Music: that Jewel song that goes "Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone..."

I feel like, any time I do anything, I'm wasting time again. There's so much I have to get done. There's also a lot of "should"s and "oughta"s stuck in there, which I vowed this past summer never to let run my life again. But guess what I'm doing? Hey, I live in an ouroborous, perpetual cycle of destruction and recreation? Why should I be surprised if I start onto something I was dead set against before? What I do during one part of the cycle wholly contradicts what I do in another. It's almost dichotomous. I take on both ends of the spectrum at different times. I swear, it's almost like MPD with me, and I don't know ANY of the personalities residing within. None of them are fully developed.

Uhhh... school work and junk. I have to get an internship. But, at the same time, I'm debating whether the school thing is really right for me. I've been letting the colleges and universities of the land brain wash me for some time now. I feel that it will only get worse as I continue.

Justin was talking like he's got uncertainties about his future, and the path that he's on. I guess I was kinda surprised by that. Cause, at times, I SO envy his lifestyle and wish I could live like that too. He has known brotherhood. He's got friends back in Florida who try to help him out as best they can when he's down, and he takes care of them too. That's awesome. THAT'S what it's all about, not corporate America garbage. But I know the way he lives can be rough. You can get treated like crap at work, just like everywhere else, but you're not making all that much.

What really shocks me is, at times, it seems like he WANTS to do the college thing. He's too intelligent and brave for that. Whereas I'm stuck jumping its hoops cause I'm too afraid of what's beyond, and I let obligation hold me.

Everything is so freaking confusing, I swear...

Yeah, I just swear.

- dj


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