Fanfiction : Movies : Not As Strong As The Emperor Thought
Okay, this is a list that I wrote years ago and decided to post. I started this list when a certain Energizer commercial aired, one where that pink nightmare defeats Darth Vader. Needless to say, I was infuriated. My high school friends thought up some of the list items, and I can’t remember now who created what. So...
Written by: Kellyanne Lynch, T. Archer Taylor, Jodi Blois, Justin Basque, Devon Ruse, and Colleen Lynch
Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with the Energizer battery peoples or that stupid bunny. If I were, the aforementioned ad would have never aired. The actual batteries work fine too. Though I still buy Duracell.
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March 23, 1995
Fellow Jedi:
PROJECT: DESTRUCTION OF THE ENERGIZER BUNNY IN THE STAR WARS GALAXY
The Energizer Bunny was cute at first. People were happy to see the little rabbit robot keep going and going and going...
But that stupid piece of machinery has gone too far! When it begins to mock Darth Vader, it is required of those who respect him to destroy that bunny. The commercial may say that the Energizer Bunny has won; however, we know better! We know that if that obnoxious representative of the Energizer battery company really went up against Darth Vader, the rabbit would not last for over a minute.
Others who feel Vader was treated unfairly have given ideas about how Vader could win the battle against the stupid piece of junk, and I have collected them and put them into the list below:
1. Use the Dark side of the Force to strangle that dumb bunny
2. Step on it
3. Pull the sucker’s batteries out
4. Have the Emperor fry the thing
5. Shoot it
6. Have his storm troopers shoot it
7. Have Luke shoot it, (they would surely work together to defeat this common enemy)
8. Chuck the dumb piece of garbage into the carbon freezing chamber on Cloud City
9. Sue the pants off of Energizer for making a commercial that publicly humiliated him
10. Give it to the Jawas to use for spare parts
11. Throw it into the Pit of Sarlaac, (but the pit probably would reject it)
12. Give it a Thermal Detonator, and lie about how much time is left before it blows up
13. Send bounty hunters after it
14. Bantha stampede
15. Burn it
16. Drop it off of Bespin
17. Turn it into a stool for Jabba
18. Let it fight a Rancor who lost a member of his immediate family to a rabbit
19. Sit on it
20. Give it to the Ewoks
21. Have C-3P0 talk to it for several hours
22. Leave it in the deserts of Tatooine to fall apart
23. Get more batteries for Vader’s lightsaber (Duracells)
24. Have Chewie rearrange it
25. Reprogram it to work as a servant
26. Leave it on Hoth to freeze
27. Kick it over and leave it there to keep going and going and going... nowhere!!!
28. Put it in the garbage compactor
29. Have the creatures in the swamps of Dagobah devour it
30. Have R2-D2 dismember it by using his gizmos
31. Put it on a ship loaded with explosives and head it towards an asteroid belt
32. Feed it to the critter on the asteroid
33. Put it in the ‘droid torture chamber in Jabba’s palace
34. Throw it into the ship’s jets
35. Use the Dark side of the Force to drain the batteries
36. Switch the batteries before the commercial
37. Have George Lucas write it out of the script
38. Eject it into space with the garbage where it belongs
39. Shoot it with an ion cannon
40. Put it in Docking Bay 94 and land a ship on it
41. Chuck the bunny across the galaxy
42. Boycott Energizer: Use Duracell
43. Bash its little tiny electronic brains out
44. Put it into the middle of a bar fight at the Mos Eisley cantina
45. Use the torture ‘droid on it
46. Pull off its ears and hang them like fuzzy dice as a decoration for Vader’s Fighter
47. Shoot it into space and send the whole Imperial fleet after it
48. "Accidentally" misplace it in Jabba’s frog tank where he might eat it
49. Have Yoda levitate it thousands of feet into the air before dropping it
50. Give its name and number to Boba Fett
51. Tie it to an engine and engage hyperdrive
52. Have an AT-AT step on it
53. Turn it off
54. Leave the rabbit on the Death Star before blowing it up, (you can always make another Death Star)
55. Tie it to a speeder bike headed straight for a tree
56. Tauntaun ride-by shooting
57. Tie it to a Proton Torpedo and fire it
58. Tell the aliens in the cantina that the little pink guy in the corner says it can take them all on
59. Feed it to the Gamerean Guards
60. Put a "kick me" sign on its back and kick it into orbit
The search is still on for methods of defeating the Energizer Bunny. If you have any ideas, please tell me, and I will add it to this list.
So long, and may the Force be with you!
- Kelly Anne Lynch
Jedi Knight
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NOTE: I just typed this exactly as I had it on the original dot-matrix printout. If you have any items to add, mention them in your review! Thanks! - dearjoan