Subject: I don't know what I'm doing

Mood: scraping the bottom
Music: Pink Floyd's "Shine On You Crazy Diamond"

I hate my life. I find that there's nothing I enjoy anymore. Every role that I currently have, I maintain due to obligation or fear. I sabotage my wellbeing with my own stupidity.

I skipped out of work yesterday. I went in today, but I forgot all kinds of things. I was so scattered - I couldn't even keep it together when I tried. On the ride back here, I all of a sudden remembered I'd scheduled an appointment with a student at two, around the time I left the place. Then I came back here and just fell apart further. I don't want to do anything anymore.

Six months. I'm expected to go six months like this, and then see if maybe the one thing I love doing will be restored to me. But the way she keeps saying they'll only consider it then makes me think I'm not getting it back. And I know I won't have the boards I love. I don't know what I'm going to do not being a mod and not having those boards. Mikey and Kenny would hate me. At very least, they'd be very disappointed. I hate me.

- dearjoan's shadow

[real me in...]